did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize