I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
