i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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