Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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