Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
