upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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