Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
