I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize