when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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