I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
