the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
