Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
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