First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize