What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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