I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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