i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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