sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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