What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
