Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
