I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
