threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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