I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
