please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
