If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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