I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
