I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
