no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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