I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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