4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
