I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Randomize
