He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
