Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Dignity is for republicans.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
