Your dad touched me again.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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