# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
