I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
