I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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