All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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