I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
