mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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