So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
