last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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