He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Randomize
