i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
