Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
We need to feng shui this bitch.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize