K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
me + whiskey = a bad person
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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