im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
vagina is talking i cant
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
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