The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
