I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
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