I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
