It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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