Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
