ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
