Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
