I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I'm just crazy horny about you
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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