I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize