i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Can Purell be used as lube?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
